"making all things new"

How did I get to this place.  In my 28th year of life I've finally found a measure of peace with my past, present, and uncertain future.  

How come it took so long?  Why did I spend so much time in the dark and scary places of my mind?

I think I've finally just become convinced that my God is trustworthy enough to handle the hurt and loss and sorrow and abandonment.

I finally feel comfortable in my skin.  All the quirks, scars, weirdness, shortcomings, aspirations.

I used to be so angry because I learned that the world had its own formula to gain acceptance.  

But now, its like I don't need to fit in.  I'm me.  And the world just has to deal with the anomaly of who I am.  

I realize this is a different kind of writing.  I feel like the clouds in my life are clearing and I catch a glimpse of something that can

be beautiful.  Weird huh?  The slate is clean and something new is starting...and if you watch carefully you might see

something...new, something better, something that could only have been imaginable by my Author.

He says: "Behold, I am making ALL things new." Rev 21:5.

can i get more light down here please

I feel hollow.  Am I doing something wrong?  Maybe I'm just not right of mind.  Some predisposition that makes my dopamine receptors fail to grasp all the 'happy' most people feel.

Haven't I written about this before...in like maybe every single post?  Ha.

I guess if I had to picture what happy would look like, it would include some tangible measure of ability.  I'm not saying I have no ability...I'm talking about being useful I guess.  Sadly so much of what makes me happy belongs to other people.  I feel happiest when I feel necessary.  When I'm desirable...and I don't mean eye candy (well...atleast not that alone).  I mean some quality that allows me to give of myself and enrich another.  

Is that weird?

Twenty Eight

To those who care to read a reflection upon my past year,

I think I'm finally on the road to becoming the person I've been called to be.  I certainly lack quite a bit still, but overall this has been the best year yet.  I don't think any three years of my life has seen the sadness, joy, and exhaustion I saw in this one.  But through it all, God has remained faithful.  

I begin with my great joy this year in truly being a brother to my sister.  Though I've failed her innumerable times, I've been truly blessed by this person who still chose me as her companion to face some of her dark moments of life, and I call it my utmost privilege to have seen the transforming and abundantly gracious work my God has done in her this past year. 

I also remember moments of actual connection with my mom and dad.  They remain the biggest draw on all my reservoirs of patience.  Yet God has shown me the possibility of dialogue so I'm content.  By no means have they become any less...difficult.  But God has shown Himself to be sufficiently able to bring a measure of honesty into our relationship.

The wedding of my brother.  I share in his joy in meeting his happily ever after at the alter.  

The passing of my uncle.  Though he's having the greatest day now, his absence remains a profound empty place in the lives of those left behind.  You are missed...so very much.

The quitting of my first job.  The one "graduation" I actually celebrate haha!  I certainly learned so much about myself from my years there...most notably that I yearned for more... 

The admission into law school.  My current source of never before encountered levels of frustration and exhaustion ... but also the occasional whispers of purpose.

I guess I'll end this by echoing John Wesley's dying words, acknowledging that "best of all, He is with us."  How can I continue to struggle with the loneliness that had pervaded so much of my life, when this year has shown it to be ever so untrue.  My God has heard my heart's every plea and answered [not always with a yes though =\ ].  And He will never leave me nor forsake me.  I've been given more than enough.  So that's that.  Happy birthday to me.  Huzzah. =)

Till next time,

Joe

Harsh Reflections

Honestly, there's something wrong with me.  I don't think its normal for me to be so self-conscious and defensive when I walk into a room.  I look at all the well-adjusted people out there and wonder what that must be like.  To walk around unaware of how hurtful others can be.  Or how much their words and actions can be hurtful to others.  How I survived this long without becoming a criminal or six feet under remains a mystery.  When I look into a sea of faces, I see just more folk who will try to take from me.  When I look above, I question whether or not God really is who He says He is.

Is it all just another trick.

If I give too little, they'll think I'm hostile.  If I give too much, they'll walk all over me.

Do I even have genuine emotion?  Or is it all a mask to play pretend.  I don't want to smile and say hi.  I don't want to know how you're doing.  Mostly.

I don't want to meet new people.  I don't care about you because you have too much power to hurt.  At least, that's what I tell myself...

envy

Why is life so damn heavy sometimes.  Its so unfair.  How do people flit through life without ever feeling its weight?

please....just...enough already.